Self Sabotage & Self Worth

This week has been slow & steady.  I’ve had some sort of foul tummy bug, so have been unable to run or go to Bootcamp.  I’ve also been struggling to get my head in the right place with regards to food.

While I’m super proud of my efforts on the exercise front, my efforts to stick to the 12WBT nutrition plan has been far from successful & I’m sure that this is the ONLY reason why the weight loss over the past months has been slow.  

This is super hard to explain, but in many ways I just feel that I can’t get the food right because my previous programming prevents me from eating clean & focussing on healthy nutrition.  Having said that, we have as a family, made ENORMOUS inroads with our nutrition & we are eating 1000 times better than we were a year ago.

I had an ‘ah-ha moment’ this week while watching one of Michelle’s mind set videos.  In it she was talking about self-sabotage.  While watching it, I had tears rolling down my face, as I came to realise just how low my self-image & confidence is. 

In a nutshell – I’m preventing myself from eating clean because I don’t feel worthy & that I’m so terrified of failure, that I’d rather fail at the beginning rather than the end.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food & have a very confused & contrary knowledge about what is healthy & what isn’t.  For example, I just won’t snack, because I have always been told that it is wrong & if you want to lose weight, you just don’t snack.

My darling husband & I had a long talk about my ‘ah-ha moment’ & while I know that he really struggles to understand where I’m coming from, he is still so wonderfully supportive of me.  He also very plainly said “You have no external reason  not to eat healthy & follow the nutrition plan.  You have plenty of time in your day to organise & plan meals”.  And he’s right, blunt, but right.

This has had me thinking ever since.  While I will always battle with my inner-demons & my feelings of self-worth, I certainly have the power to work on the external factors that I’m using as tools for self-sabotage & ultimately as an excuse.

We will start addressing the external factors this Sunday when we cook up our meals for the week.  I’m also going to go back over the pre-season tasks, especially the organising & diarising.

My ‘ah-ha’ moment is going to take a little longer to completely sort out in my head & I’m still not sure how I work on the images I have of myself, but I already feel that I have made a massive step just by recognising how my head is working.